Christmas with the Durfees

This Christmas has been hard, with the just the kids and I. My Husband was not allowed to come home, due to lack of management in the office. I have expressed anger, sadness, depression, confussion, pretty all you can ever express when in any point of emotions can be expressed.
This is our thirteenth christmas, and been together every year and to not have it this year has definately had its tole. My kids handled it better than I did they even went as far as saving one present each  to open until their daddy comes home. To have their christmas with their daddy. I am simply amazed the great spirit my kids had. We had our family christmas, then went and spent christmas with Tylors mom. I was really considering not going at first, because I was simply in a depression of emotions. But I bucked up and started enjoying the idea of going to my mum inlaws house. I love her and her expression of still making me feel welcome when I was down. I could not ask for a better person to have in my life. It was a great day of smiles, laughter, and family.
When the time came to wake Tylor up, since he works nights and yes he worked on Christmas. It was a total bummer for him but it kept him busy. Most of his family got to talk to him on the phone, which made him a lil emotional himself, but at least he knows he is loved. It made his day lets just put it that way. And it sure made mine. I love the holidays but it simply isnt the same when the family isnt together. But since it is a day to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, it was a great reminder of our redeemers entrance into the earth and to praise his peaceful spirit. I will always remember the feelings I endured this Christmas, and remind my children of what the true meaning of Christmas is all about.  

The Holidays

I love the Holidays. I love the fact I have my family, and my friends and the fact I was able to cook for everyone during the Thanksgiving holiday. When I cook it was as if I was in my own world,  and my purpose to give a meal that everyone would remember. I got lucky this year by having the opportunity to cook twice. I live to hear the words delicious, and I am so full I am Miserable. The best part about the Thanksgiving holiday was my husband was home. I was elated beyond compare, to have hime here to enjoy the warm home cooked meal that he would not really have unless he was home.
My kids were happy to be able to see him, as well as our friends and family. He works his butt off to deserve his time home.  What better time than the holidays.  This next Holiday "Christmas" is not going to be the same however. Out of the last 12 years that we have had christams together, this year we will not. Responsability over rules tylors home time. Is it going to effect our Christmas? The answer is yes, I gave our kids the decision to have Christmas on time or wait til daddy comes home. Half the kids said wait for daddy, the other half said have Christmas on Christmas. It tugs on my heart very badly because I know if it was up to me I would wait for him. Today Tylor called me and said you know what you need to do Christmas on the 25th , because it is the day it should be celebrated. All he want to do is Skype with the kids, and see their excitement  on the day of is all he wants. I have to admit I was in tears when he told me that, but relieved at the same time. So the kids are not disappointed. I just love him for being so selfless.  I heart him :)

My Heart

Have you ever heard the song by Bryan Adams - Have you really ever  loved a woman ? I know this song of beautiful notes by heart. Everything about it reminds me of my best friend/lover/ companion Tylor. As most of you know my sweetheart works, and lives in North Dakota 4 weeks at a time. It is by far the hardest thing we have ever agreed upon, besides getting sober. I have never realized how much I really loved him until he has been gone this last year.  He is truely my heart, and he owns it 100%. I look back at all the sacrifices we have had to take over the years to survive, and I think this has been the most self less  one made.  Having to be so far away from the family, not to see the kids grow up like he would like or to give us physical loves everyday. I know he has definitely made that personal sacrifice that heavely father expects, and I truely believe that he has earned his spot in heaven.

To wake up without him is heart wrenching, sometimes more than I can bare sometimes. But I cannot be a wreck, I must be a strength for all of us. Like I said he is my heart, without him my heart would dissolve. I just love and respect him so much. That no matter how much my heart is hurting, I always tell him "I LOVE YOU ".  Because you know that he is going through the same thing. I look forward to his daily /nightly calls just for him to call me his "beautiful love, or just simply I love you ".  He has got to be the best husband a girl, has ever had as well as father.

I look forward to the day he gets to head home to our family. It is like waiting for Christmas to arrive. the sight of him brings instant tears to my heart, and my soul. How is it possible I can love a man so deeply, has got me all twisted up inside,lol. The time he spends with us is if he was never gone to begin with. He just takes his sweet time to give all of us the love that he is able to, and makes us feel as if it lasts forever. Then there comes the day before he has to leave and all the emotions build up, but they do not actually come out. Its like an angry feeling because I know it is coming. I get distant, even though I know I shouldnt I just dont want him to go. Then the day shows its ugly face, and he has to go it feels like my heart just got ripped out, I give him the biggest hug that I ever thought was possible. I don't want to let go, but I have too he is leaving for us "our family" . It gets harder, and harder each time he leaves. I cry, and cry, and cry for the first couple days, then I tell myself he will be back in a few weeks. Just to get excited, and go through all the emotions all over again. But you know what he is so worth every tear I drop, and then some. He is MY HEART.

Controlled Chaos (cont)

I realized this morning that the cause of my waking up in the mornings to extra bodies in my bed is the reason I am not sleeping well at night. I used to think huh maybe my matress is just not working for me. Then I realized my kids were sneaking into bed with me. It would not be so bad but their little legs and arms just dont feel right when they are knudged in your back.  I have had nights were I have slept like a baby, but I wake up either to my hubby when he is home , or to myself. I would rather wake up to my love than to myself though, that just makes for a bad day waking up to myself.  Then I think what is the problem with the kids sneaking in bed with me vs. my hubby being home. The answer I can come up with is : 1. they steal the blankets, 2.they take up the whole bed  leaving me just inches to sleep on. 3. They occasionally pee the bed. Have you ever woke up to that warm feeling and realized that it is urine. Talk about a wake up call.  Then there is my hubby, he doesn't move the whole night and when he does he snuggles with me. Since the only time he gets to sleep next to me is every four weeks. So I guess I am in a state of sleep where I am in total happiness, to where I don't allow any of his movement to bother me.

I love the kids but, they have their own beds to sleep on. That is why we have such a big house to live in so each kid has their own bed.  So what do I do is the question on keeping them out of my bed. Do I lock them in their room ( just a statement I wouldn't really do it),or do I lock myself into my room which I dislike the factor cause I keep my door open, since the kids are so sneaky at night. You know the late night snacks.  I am so bothered by this, because I love to get my lumberous sleep at night, and I become  a TOTAL GRUMP ( big caps for a reason,lol). Maybe I should start taking sleeping tablets so it just knocks me out for the night, where I don't even notice that they have gotten into bed with me.  But that wouldn't do either, you know since a natural disaster may come while I am sleeping, that would honestly be my luck. Well I guess when I find out what the finding factor is I will let you know. Until then we will see what happens.

FAMILY

There will come a time when family, is all that will be reliable on in hard times. Kind of like right now. I come from a small family that consisted of my mom -Valerie, my dad- David, me  and my two younger sisters Melissa and Michaela.  Our family has had very great times growing up, and also memories that werent so good. I can always remember my parents being stern, with a lil flexibility when it was needed. Getting older the family stayed close, but not as close as it should have been.  Particularly because like I said growing up, "finding our own way". 

I got married at 17 years old, to the love of my life Tylor Jay Durfee. Even though my parents didn't feel he was right for me I devoted myself into proving that he was. I already had a daughter Tatyana, who was 8 months when we got married.  But that didn't matter to Tylor he loved both of us regaurdless. To take care of someone elses child as if she was his own.  Which at this point my parents were happy to see the love he offered to me, was offered to Tatyana as well. 

Over the years we had our struggles, and in later blogs will be talked about.  But we have found our niche on what works to keep us happy and first and fore most is our kids. Tatyana, Dallas j, Austin, Shaianne, Tyson, Sasha. these kids have been the glue that have made our family stronger. We at one time almost lost gods precious cargo, and after realizing we needed to make changes "we did". I will forever remember how my family came together, to form a bond that today has grown stronger.  

The world of Controlled Chaos

The last week has been superiorly challenging.  I have been stressed out to the max, why you ask? Well I have had the flu here in our home this week, and it really had me thinking I need to appreciate my faith more. having five kids with fevers has not been the easiest task at hand that I have solely wanted to take on by myself. I am an easy going person, and a loving mommy who can take alot. I just do not deal well with crying, whining, whimpering, and last but not least yelling from pain. What do you do but close your ears off, especially when you have done all that you can do.  I just realize that if you give them the love, comfort, and  the prayers to help them,  as well as the knowledge to give them the best care ever.

I am increasingly happy today though, I am down to only one child with a fever. which actually does not surprise me because his immune system is alot like mine. it does what is needed but you still catch everything under the sun. Since there is only one fever left in the house, majority of the kids are back to school "thank goodness". I really thought I was going to go bonkers, because of all the sickness drama.  Now I can manage on getting my house back in order (cleaned) to its original state. Because mommies house is suffering. lol .   Now all we have to do is disinfect our house, so the germs do not come back O happy day that will be. 

I think that with everything the kids have dealt with this week, it makes me realize I do a better job than I give myself credit for. I am always thinking I suck being a full time mommy, but then I look at the smiles that emerge from under the feverish faces, and realize I provided them those smiles. It feels wonderful that I have finally became that mom, whom cares whole heartedly for her kids rather than run to a doctor to make it easier. Although don't get me wrong I totally would have taken the kids if they didn't get better.  I just did what a mother knows best.  I am blessed.